If it looks like a dog and smells like a dog…

Best friend from New York had a hot dog birthday party. I figured I’d eat before I went. I mean, what are the chances that a hot dog stand has tofu dawgs? And I had to be there—I’d traveled hundreds of miles to celebrate the big milestone that is, well, 31. And remember, I’m easy.

Well we get to the joint, Murray’s Dogs, and everyone is gathered. They’re ordering chili dogs and double dogs and baseball park dogs and dogs on a stick. I dunno. Whatever dog people do with their dogs, they were doing it—kraut, mustard, onions, etc. But this Murray, he’s something else! He not only offered a tofu dawg on the menu, but also a “marinated carrot.”

I said, “Sweet! They don’t even force fake meat products on us near-vegans when we’re at a hot dog stand!!! I love New York! Everything’s better in New York! New York New York New York New York!”

So I order the “Sophie” which is the marinated carrot on housebaked whole wheat challah roll with cheddar cheese and avocado. Wow. This is some hot dog stand! (see refrain above: I love New York, etc. and so on.)

I get my dawg, excited to be honored by this creative workaround, but also secretly relieved that I’m not adding one more reason for these carnivorous chic New Yorkers to look strangely at the corn-fed Midwestern “bestest friend” of the birthday girl. I mean, a girl can only take so much. I looked like I was eating a dog, so that took a load off.

And I take a bite. Wow. Huh? What is this thing again? It tastes…. hm. It tastes… It tastes…. hm. It tastes…. what is that flavor? I ask Murray. His wife came up with the marinade: hot dog spices.

So they took a carrot, left it full and intact in all its dog-shaped glory, and soaked it in whatever it is that makes stuffed intestines taste like they do.

Oh my.

I didn’t finish my dawg because it kind of creeped me out. I love the idea of using veggies rather than fake meat products to make a hot dog, but I don’t know; something about the words “casing” and “curing” just kind of make my skin crawl. The New Yorkers, as it turned out, found the giant carrot to be a novelty, and thought it was great fun to taste a hot-dog flavored carrot!!!

I high-five Murray for his creative genius, fo sho. But seriously, that shit is weird!!!