secret lovers

Garlic and I have had words before.

It's not that I don't respect his lingering scent or his strong presence - I mean, I dig that in a potential partner. But the three-day garlic hangover after he's long gone, the middle-of-the-night garlic hot flashes, the taste of him on your lips well after you know he's moved on.... Those kind of things can haunt a woman. And I'm not into suffering.

But roasted garlic, that's another story. Whole clove, oven-roasted, tiny forks to remove the melty goodness and spread it on the toasted olive bread, that's my kind of lover. Steamy but not overpowering; complex, yet also gentle. A perfect presentation of in-the-moment passion without the long-felt heartbreak.

Cardwells' Mediterranean plate is a long-standing tradition with chunks of feta, toasted olive bread, dolmades, rotating salads like tabbouleh or cous cous or ratatouille, and of course, the roasted garlic.

Don't tell though - I don't want him to get any ideas.

life lessons.... cheese plate edition

Friend and I have started a list of life no-nos. It's more or less a compilation of general rules to be followed by the general public.

1. No chewing gum with your mouth open. just don't do it. Smack is whack.

2. No chicken salad in class. Don't bring it and eat it with crackers. This also applies to tuna salad, egg salad, ham loaf, corned beef hash, and anything else made by injecting recognizable edible items into jello moulds.

3. Never tell a person that you will "shoot them an email." Emails are not shot, no matter how "Wall Street" you think you are, they are "sent."

4. The four-minute hip hop sex ballad on your voice mail before the message begins? Really? I mean really?

And I would now add 5. Don't slice the cheese on a cheese plate; it's meant to be chunky. You have to use nuts. You must include dried fruits. And don't forget the freaking bread.

Modesto: you made a good effort with the honey-slathered walnuts and grapes; but your american-cheese-like slices were a huge turn off. Massive.

And 33, you're a wine bar; get with the program. 4 cheeses is great! But you gotta at least gimme a cracker, darnit.

Everyone, take some life lessons from your wiser counterparts:

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Mosaic in STL:

Ok not great photos - but there are several chunks of cheese, nuts, a little shot glass full of aged reduced balsamic, grapes, garlicky crostinis, watermelon slice. The works! And the cheese is standing upright. How often do you see that?! Awesome.

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Niche in STL

I've had the pleasure of enjoying a cheese plate at Niche on three occasions. They rotate their cheeses frequently, as well as the spread (quince paste? apple dill compote? raspberry rhubarb jelly?), and always accompany with house-toasted crostini and candied nuts. Fabulous.

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In Chicago, some wine bar across the street from Union Park on the green line.

This one rocked - multiple bread choices, tons of dried fruit, including figs!, goat cheese, brie, mancheygo, and more, nuts, apples, pears. Oh my. This may very well be the best cheese plate I've ever had. Even better with the $19 glass of wine (I am not kidding). Not sure I get the onion roll, but at least this plate diversified.

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Sashas in STL:

First, the cheese comes on a slab of marble. That's just classy. Second, you get an abundance of cheeses, breads, nuts, and fruits. And they are named charming titles like "French Tickler" and "Euro Trash." Ok not so clever... but better than not having a cheese plate at all, really. Isn't it?

Garlicky homemade crostini, walnuts, dried cranberries, mancheygo, mahon, some sort of goat's milk cheese, and the yummiest of yummies, the caramelly delicious Geitost! Darn good. Good wine too.

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Cardwells in STL

Now they are most accomplished in the Mediterranean-plate arena (see coming post "secret lovers"), but they are nevertheless adept at putting together a decent cheese plate. Especially given their West County locale! (eegads)

Note the cube of quince paste and buttery toasted olive bread.... yum!

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RL in Chicago (for those not in the know, that's the Ralph Lauren bar near Mich Ave.)

So it's in a haze; that doesn't change it's goodness. Everything's better name-brand, too, right? (I wonder what a Louis Vuitton cheese plate would look like?! oh my!)

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The secret? chunks of good, if not rare, cheese.

Salted/roasted/sweetened/candied nuts

Fruits - dried and otherwise.

Jellies and pastes - such as quince paste (Cardwells!) or apple dill jelly (niche!).

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There's a method; a formula. Don't mess with success. Take it from a near-vegan cheese plate connoisseur!!!